My memory of my past comes and goes. Some situations, smells and sounds would send flashes of memories. Just like the one in the movie. Some are fuzzy, some are as clear as day.
I grew up in a very simple family. My earliest memory I had was the day my mom gives birth to my sis. My father and I were visiting. I remembered the hopital bed were too tall for me. I was only 2 years old. My father ignored my request of wanting to see my little sis. So I tried to climb the bed. Pulling the sheet and with all my strength, tried to lift my body up to the bed. Unfortunately, I lost my balance and fell. I wanted to cry but my father, decided enough of leaving me in suspense, lifted me up and there she was. My beautiful little sister. So tiny, so vulnerable. We decided to call her 'Baby". After all, she is the baby of the family.
I remembered we lived in my grandparents house somewhere in Butterworth. It was a two-storey house. I remembered I fell from the stairs two times. Ouch! I remembered my baby sister shitting on the floor and play with it (yucks!! She denied it, but I still remember. LOL ) I remembered seeing my uncle smoking and left his ciggie on the astray. I tried to imitate him but regretted later, I choked on the smoke. I remembered moving out from the house one day. I don't really know the reason. Later in life, my mom told me it was because of family feud.
I remembered we were very poor after moving out from the house. We lived in a small house, I would consider it a hut. It was in a squatter area in Butterworth. It was all my parents could afford at that time. After all, they did not planned to move out so soon. It had one bedroom. One bathroom. No toilet. One living room. A small kitchen. Yes, it was a hut. Oh, did I mentioned no toilet? My parents would borrowed toilet from the neighbours. My sis and I? Well, I remembered squatting on the ground and shitting. My mom would come and cover it with sand. Yes, that is what I remember. Thinking back, why my parents didn't tell us to use the neighbour toilet? It is still a mystery to me.
I remembered the first time I learnt ABC. My mom bought this mini blackboard and wrote the alphabets on it. With a cane ( we called it rotan here, made from thin bamboo stick ), she pointed one letter and pronounced it one by one to me. I repeated with her. On the second try, she expected me to remember every alphabets. I was 5. I could not remember all. She hit me with the rotan everytime I forget.
I remembered my first molestation. Yes, very painful to admit it, I was molested. I think my sis was too. No no, not by my parents. My neighbour's older son. We were playing the house game. He was always the doctor. So, we would visit this doctor in a room, which we pretended it to be the clinic. I remember going in the room. Lying down on the floor. He was on top of me. Rubbing his boyhood on me. That was the 'treatment'. He would asked me to come back again to see the doctor. Next would be my sis's turn. At that time, sex was a taboo subject. We weren't exposed to safety of sex. We knew nothing of sex. Molestation was never even heard of at that time. So, we knew nothing about molestation and we would play this game again and again.
I remembered a guy used to come to the hut. He would go into the bedroom with my mom. My mom would tell me to take care of my sis and don't go out and play. They were inside for what I felt was hours. I heard my mom's moaning. I did not know what they were doing. Later in life, I realised that my mom was having sex with a man other than my father. My father never knew. I don't think he know until this day. We went to visit this man's house in Penang every weekends. His house was huge. Old colonial mansion. We would spent the weekends there and sometimes without my father. I remembered I was in his room, watching TV. Earlier, he and my mom was in the room with me but they left. I needed to go to the bathroom. I caught them kissing in the hallway. I hold no grudge for that man as I did not understand what he was doing with my mother. As sudden as he appeared in my life, he disappeared.
I remembered moving into a small 2-room flat. It was fuzzy memory. I remembered it was just my father and I in that flat. My mom was in Thailand with my lil sis. My dad's older sis was living on the 5th floor, we were living on the 2nd. It has no elevator. So everyday after school, I would climbed up the stairs to my aunt's place. My father working. My first tastes of independence. I was only 7. Every morning, my father would walked me to school. After school, I would walk back alone. That how it was for a year. I don't know why my mom left us. Even today, I don't know why.
Then we moved to a sleepy town of Kulim. I remembered my mom and my lil sis came back to live with us. It was a small typical Malaysian's terrace house. That house held a painful memory for me. It was in that house, everything fell apart. I don't remember how it all started. I remembered I was watching TV with my sis. It was 'McGuyver' ( is it spelt that way? ). My parents was arguing in the bedroom. Then, my father came out, sitting on the sofa with us. My mom, who's very hot-blooded, came out and verbally attacked my father in front of us. I remembered being very scare. I remembered my mom threw the TV from the cabinet. I remembered my sis was crying. I remembered chaos. That was the first 'war'. Little did I know, it was only the beginning. I was 10.
The memories of verbal attacks were fuzzy and at times were not in chronological order. I remember I was the child that my mom pulled my to her, my sis was the one with my father. I think it was because my sis resembled my father. I remembered being separated from my father and my sis. I would be sleeping in a room with my mom and my sis would be in another room with my father. However, both my sis and I managed to find time to play with each other.
I remembered when my mom and I were in the living room. I don't remember where was my sis at that time. My father came out from his room. Holding a bottle of pills, he collapsed in front of us. The bottle was empty. My mom asked me to look after him while she went out to the neighbour for help. I remembered I didn't do what she said. I followed her. When we came back with a neighbour, he was not in the living room anymore. He was in the room. Sleeping. Or maybe pretending to be sleeping.
I remembered my mom went to KL to work. My father drove both my sis and I in the middle of the night to KL. I remembered when we reached there, my mom was arguing with my father outside the car. I pretended to be sleeping but I can hear them shouting at each other. I don't remember what happened next.
I remembered my mom went to Singapore for another job. As a hairdresser. I remembered my father dragged us there too. I remembered staying in a old man's house. I don't remember knowing him. I remembered we left without seeing my mom. I remembered my father said my mom didn't want us anymore. I remembered crying when I got home that night.
I remembered my father left us to Langkawi for work. By this time, they were separated. My mom was in the house. She had a boyfriend. A Singaporean. I remembered my grandfather passed away. My mom wanted nothing to do with it. So, she took my sis and I to KL. I remembered another incident. I was in the shower. One of the boys climbed up the wall and saw me showered. I remembered the humiliation. I remembered I wanted my father. I remembered crying.
I remembered my father sold the house we lived in. I remembered my mom begged the man not to kick us out. Then, I remembered I left my mom and my sis to boarding school. I remembered the excitement of starting new life. Somewhere far from all the drama. I remembered my sis left the house to live with my father. I remembered my mom frantic searched for her. I remembered my mom said she hated my sis for leaving. I remembered her crying.
I remembered her second boyfriend. I never liked him. I remembered hearing them having sex. At that time, I knew what they were doing. Since then, I never liked chinese guy. Correction, I never liked a guy with small eyes. I remembered overheard my mom said that he was married. At the time they were together, he was still married. I remembered my mom crying when he did not want to divorce his wife. I remembered making a promise that I would not messed with other women's boyfriend or husband. So far, I've kept that promise.
I remembered coming back from the school to a new home. The current home. I remembered the excitement of having my own room. My room which I wanted it to be painted purple, but my mom painted it blue instead. But it was forgivable since I'm having my own private space. A space that I desperately needed, away from all the drama.
I remembered the day my mom got married. I remembered my sis and I weren't allowed to sit on the same table as my mom. I remembered being left out. I remembered feeling left out from my mom's new life. I remembered crying on the night my mom got married. I remembered feeling eager to go back to school. Away from all this sadness.
I remembered the day my mom and my dad crossed path in my school. I remembered war erupted. Shouting match. I remembered being embarrassed. I remembered being angry. Angry that my parents brought their problems to my school. My sacred place which was before, free from drama.
I remembered the day my mom was supposed to come to meet me. Parents and teacher meeting. The day which they would give report cards to the parents. I did very well in that year. I wanted my mom to come. I wanted her to know how well I did in school. I wanted her to know I got 8As out of 9 subjects. I remembered being very excited. I remembered telling my friends that. I remembered waiting anxiously. I also remembered disappointment. I remembered total sadness. I remembered my world came crashing down. She did not come. She did not come to see that I got her 8As. I remembered not calling home since that day. I remembered I didn't want to do well anymore. I remembered giving up.
I remembered my first real crush. I remembered I wanted to do well in school because he did well in school. I remembered the butterflies in my stomach everytime he walked by. I remembered I wanted to see him everytime I passed by his classroom. I remembered wanting to see his face and knowing what he was doing. I'm smiling writing about this now because he was the good thing that happened to me after my world came crashing down.
I remembered coming home for holiday. My mom was still married to the guy. I remembered he was drunk one night. My mom came to my room to sleep. I remembered waking up to yelling and knocking outside my door. My mom locked the door. I remembered my mom climbed out from my window to call for help. I remembered she left me alone in the room. I remembered smoke coming from the door. I remembered climbing out from the window. I remembered it was the most frightening moment in my life. I remembered praying for my life. I remembered my sis yelling at him to put out the fire. My brave lil sis. I wished I was as brave as she was.
I remembered spending the time at my neighbour's house while my mom went to the police station. I remembered him gone from our lives. My home was peaceful again. I remembered having my mom back in my life again.
All the dramas. All the heartaches. All the humiliations. I am who I am because of these. Experiences are the best teacher. Some may break you. But what does not break you, makes you stronger.
